I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
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What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
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Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.