Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.