The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
