moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.