Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It all started with a game of naked twister.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door