I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?