When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Enjoy the penises
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless