I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.