Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me