The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award