Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.