Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
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I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae