He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx