please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"