She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this