Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
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There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties