He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro