I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.