That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night