Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest