on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw