Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Oregon (503)

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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...

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  (503): Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat... http://tfl.nu/b2lc
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  Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.

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  (503): Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home. http://tfl.nu/577r
  Replies (2) Good night (321) Bad night (629)
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  Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?

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  (503): Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I? http://tfl.nu/fev7
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  Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.

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  (503): Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting. http://tfl.nu/qfm2
  Replies (1) Good night (336) Bad night (690)
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  He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

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  Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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  (541): He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans (503): Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants. http://tfl.nu/h1iw
  Replies (7) Good night (1210) Bad night (244)
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  Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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  (503): Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you. http://tfl.nu/ee0n
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  So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you

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  (503): So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you http://tfl.nu/f848
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  He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.

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  (503): He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor. http://tfl.nu/y1d6
  Replies (9) Good night (928) Bad night (333)
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  Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.

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  (503): Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go. http://tfl.nu/c4rz
  Replies (3) Good night (756) Bad night (289)
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  The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.

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  (503): The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub. http://tfl.nu/iw9s
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  I'm your Election Erection Connection

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  I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

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  (503): I'm your Election Erection Connection (860): I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had. http://tfl.nu/1sjz
  Replies (9) Good night (1371) Bad night (355)
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  i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

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  (503): i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again http://tfl.nu/nar2
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  There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep

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  (503): There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep http://tfl.nu/pt1q
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  Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

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  (503): Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here. http://tfl.nu/gxsg
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  THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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  (503): THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT http://tfl.nu/3zvj
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