Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts