He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.