Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts