The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?