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Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
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