We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
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The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard