He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be