I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night