Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.