Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.