He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
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You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.