I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.