the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.