I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.