I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.