My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
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how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple