You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?