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Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
3pm strippers are depressing
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
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