Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.