I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.