Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.