You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.