I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
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I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"