I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We left an ass print on the piano.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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