I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.