She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.