Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much