i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
High School Students Hilariously Rank Celebrities By Their Stank For Class Project
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
15 Things You Truly Understand If You Sleep Next To Someone Who Snores Like A Rhinoceros Every Night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?