If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You're completely useless in the revolution.