Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.