My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles