I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
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I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
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its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)