Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.