literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...