Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you