There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
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i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!