I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.