When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
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my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was