its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
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We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
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Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.