All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
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ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
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Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.